Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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