Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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