things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
