Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
