Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
