I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
