You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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