apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She told me I should be a condom model.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
