3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
