So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
