hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I need a beard to bite.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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