she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Randomize
