Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
