I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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