I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
