So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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