probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
