did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
