That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
