just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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