this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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