you have to choose: penises or morals?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
