just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
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You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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