fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
