We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
