On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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