Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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