I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
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He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
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She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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