The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
