im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
