it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
