I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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