Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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