my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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