sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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