I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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