your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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