dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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