3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
