I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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