I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
