he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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