Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
