So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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