So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
People in love make me want to vomit
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
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I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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