halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
