Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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