Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
