I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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