So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.