can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
