the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
