I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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