i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
