i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
