Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
