eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
