running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
