Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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