I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
