Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
