Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
