someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
